In the last blog post, talk a lot about building resilience — about leaning into friction, doing the hard things, and growing through discomfort. And that work is real and necessary.
But here’s what doesn’t get talked about enough: what do you do after the friction? What do you reach for when you’re depleted, disconnected, or just having a really hard day and you need to come back to yourself?
That’s where your self-care activities, or what I like to call a joy menu, comes in.
A joy menu is exactly what it sounds like. It’s a personal list of simple, nourishing activities that help you feel like you again. Let’s be clear, this is NOT a to-do list or a productivity hack.
A joy menu is a collection of things you already know make you feel better, written down and ready to reach for when you need them most.
In this post, I’m going to walk you through what a joy menu is, why it works, and how to discover what belongs on yours.
What Is a Joy Menu (and Why You Need Self-Care Activities)
It’s a personal list of what actually brings you back to yourself
Think of a joy menu like a restaurant menu, but instead of meals, it’s full of small, intentional activities that genuinely restore you. Things that are simple, accessible, and proven (by you) to help you feel more grounded, more connected, and more like yourself.
The concept sounds simple because it is. But there’s something quietly powerful about having this list already made before you need it.
The real power is in making it ahead of time
When you’re in a hard moment…when you’re anxious, overwhelmed, low, or just totally tapped out — your brain doesn’t brainstorm well. Decision fatigue kicks in, you default to what’s easy and familiar, which is usually your phone, the couch, or whatever numbs you out the fastest.
A joy menu short-circuits that pattern. It removes the decision. It just says: here’s what works for you — go pick something.
Why Hard Days Leave Us Reaching for the Wrong Things
Your nervous system wants relief, not restoration
When your nervous system is dysregulated (activated, shutdown, or somewhere in the foggy middle) the last thing it wants to do is something good for you. It wants comfort. It wants fast relief and it wants to feel better now.
So we scroll, snack mindlessly and watch three more episodes of something we’re not even that into (while doom scrolling). We do the thing that doesn’t actually fill us up, and then feel worse an hour later.
This isn’t a willpower problem. It’s a nervous system problem
When we’re dysregulated, we go into survival mode. And survival mode is not trying to help you thrive. It’s trying to make the discomfort stop as fast as possible.
A joy menu works with your nervous system instead of against it. It becomes a bridge and gently redirects you back toward something that actually nourishes you, even when your brain isn’t online enough to think it up on its own.
How a Joy Menu Helps You Regulate and Return
It works because it’s already personalized and pre-decided
Here’s what makes a joy menu more than just a list of hobbies:
It’s personalized. No one else’s list looks like yours. What restores you might be totally different from what restores your best friend, your partner, or the person in your favorite wellness podcast.
***IMPORTANT: Your menu is built from your own lived experience of what actually works for your body and nervous system.
It’s already decided. You don’t have to think, research, or convince yourself. You just pick something from your menu and do it.
It builds self-trust one small choice at a time
It’s low-stakes. Nothing on this list is a big commitment. You’re not overhauling your life. You’re just choosing one small thing to help yourself feel a little more like you.
It builds self-trust. Every time you reach for your menu instead of your phone, you’re sending your nervous system a message: I know how to take care of myself. That, over time, becomes its own kind of healing.
How to Build Your Joy Menu: A Simple Exercise
Start by asking yourself these five questions
Grab a journal, a notes app, your phone’s voice memos (whatever works for you, my but my preference is always pen to paper). Then sit with these questions and see what comes up:
1. What are the small things that make you feel like yourself again?
Not the big things like a vacation, not the major life change. The small, ordinary things. Walking outside. A certain playlist (mine is the 2000’s R&B). A cup of tea on the porch in the morning. Getting outside. Calling a specific person who always makes you feel better.
2. What activities make time disappear in a good way?
When you’re so absorbed in something that an hour passes and you didn’t notice — what is that thing for you? Reading? Creating something? Moving your body? That’s a strong signal.
3. What have you done in the past that helped you feel better when you were low?
Think back. Not what you thought should help you, but what actually did. Your body remembers.
4. What sensory things shift your state?
Certain smells, textures, music, temperatures, or environments that seem to just settle something in you. Cozy lighting. A candle or essential oils. The feeling of your dog’s fur. Silence or a specific kind of sound.
5. What makes you feel connected to yourself, to others, or to something bigger?
This could be community. It could be movement. It could be prayer or meditation or a gratitude practice. It could be sitting outside and watching the sky. Connection is deeply regulating for the nervous system.
Write down everything that comes up without editing it or deciding if it “counts.” There’s no wrong answer. If it genuinely helps you feel better, it belongs on your menu.
Then narrow it down to your 5–10 favorites
Those become your menu. The ones you’ll actually reach for. The ones your body already knows work.
My Personal Joy Menu (And What Each Item Does for Me)
Here’s what’s on mine, in case it helps spark ideas for yours:
Going outside for a walk or a hike
Something about fresh air and movement together just resets everything. It’s hard to stay stuck in your head when your body is moving through the world. Even a short walk changes my state almost immediately.
Yoga
This one goes deeper than the physical. Moving intentionally, breathing with my body, being present in a practice is one of the fastest ways I know to come back to myself after I’ve drifted. I always joke that I am a better person after I do yoga.
Spending time with friends and family or even just calling one person
Connection is medicine, genuinely. There’s something that happens when you’re with (or on the phone with) someone who knows you and loves you anyway. The nervous system softens and signals that you’re not alone.
Cuddling with my dog
If you have a pet, you already know. There’s a reason studies show that pet interaction lowers cortisol and raises oxytocin. I just know that curling up with my dog is one of the most instantly grounding things I can do.
Reading a book with a cozy scene and calm jazz music
This one is about creating an environment that tells my nervous system: you are safe, you can rest. Soft light, good music, a story to sink into. It’s not productive and that’s exactly the point.
Watercolor painting
There’s something about picking up a brush and letting color move across a page that gets me completely out of my head and into my hands. It doesn’t have to be good. That’s kind of the whole point.
Paint by numbers
Don’t underestimate this one. It might sound simple, but that’s exactly why it works. There’s no pressure, no blank page, no decisions to make. It’s just color in the next shape. It’s meditative in the best way. Focused, calming, and something you can finish. Completing something small when you’re feeling low matters more than people realize.
A gratitude practice every morning when I wake up and every evening before bed
Bookending my days with gratitude has quietly been one of the most stabilizing things in my life. I genuinely notice what’s good and give gratitude for it. In the morning it sets the tone. In the evening it helps me close the day with something soft instead of running mental loops.
How to Actually Use Your Joy Menu
Keep it visible and use it before you hit rock bottom
Once you have your list, here’s how to make it work:
Write it down somewhere visible. A journal. A sticky note on your bathroom mirror. The notes app on your phone. It doesn’t matter where, it just needs to be somewhere you’ll actually find it when you need it.
Use it before you hit rock bottom. Your menu isn’t just for your worst days. It’s for the medium-hard ones too. The days that feel a little flat, a little heavy, a little disconnected. Catching yourself early makes it easier to regulate.
Don’t overthink it. just pick something and start
Don’t overthink the pick. When you open your menu, choose something that feels even 10% more appealing than the others and just do it. You don’t have to feel like it. You just have to start.
Let it be imperfect. The walk doesn’t have to be long. The yoga doesn’t have to be a full class. Five minutes of something nourishing counts. The goal isn’t to fix, it’s just trying to come back a little.
Update it as you grow. Your menu isn’t permanent. What works for you in this season might evolve. Stay curious about what’s landing and what isn’t, and let it shift accordingly.
You Already Know What You Need
Here’s the thing I want you to take away from all of this: you are not broken on your hard days. You’re just temporarily less resourced. And most of the time, you already know what helps you feel better, you just forget to reach for it.
Your joy menu is a way of honoring that knowledge. It’s an act of self-trust. A reminder that you have your own back, even when your brain is foggy and your nervous system is on edge.
Your homework: build your menu this week
And the beautiful thing? The more you practice reaching for your menu instead of something that drains you, the more automatic it becomes. Your nervous system starts to learn: this is what we do when things get hard. And that wiring is what real resilience actually looks like.
So here’s your homework: build your menu this week. Just start. Five things is enough. The act of making it is already a step toward coming back to yourself.
If this resonated with you, check out the previous post on why friction is necessary for growth, because the joy menu and the friction work are two sides of the same coin. One builds you up. One helps you return. Both are part of the practice.
And if you want more support building a nervous system that can handle the hard stuff and actually come back from it, learn more about The Embodied Shift Method →
Not there yet? Grab The Daily Shift — my free 5-day nervous system support guide — and start there.
